The day I got my diagnosis as a day like any other day to start out with , I had a friend of mine Lori take me so Manny could stay home with Liberty ( a very wise decision her being there would have make it so much harder.) Off to the Hospital we go, and really Im in good spirits cause I KNOW that this has to just be nothing............... Wait......... Did you hear that?? there is that DENIAL creeping up again.
The doctor was running behind as per usual. Do Doctors take a class on how to be late for patients?
One way to keep us on our toes is to be SUPER DUPER late when you are giving out test results.
I was chatting it up with my friends, Joking about the recent trip to Vegas, Totally oblivious to what was about to happen. Could I have been any more dense..GOSH!
Time comes to go in the room, There we sit, my Friend Lori, the Doctor, a nurse, and ME He asked how my biopsy site healed and i said it was great, it looked fine.I laughed about how easy the healing of the Biopsy went. After all they were just going to tell me that I had a Cyst or Fybroid or something that needed to be drained right??
"well the results are back. Indtra Ductal Carcinoma.... this means its Breast Cancer"
I instantly fell over on loris lap and exclaimed " I cant do this, i have to go to Vegas in a month"
why is it that when the world is crashing around the dumbest things pop in my head?? I could have said
"ok, whats next?" or ARE YOU SURE?" or " Alright guys, wheres the hidden camera?"
No I state I have to go to Vegas, LOL,, SHEESH
The Doctor states to me that Because of where my tumor sat, I am not a candidate for a Lumpectomy, I needed a FULL Mastectomy on that side. Way to knock the wind out of me............. People know me for my BOOBS. I cant just have it removed! Didn't he realize that one of my defining features of me were my breasts? "You know Sandra, you 'memer the cute MILF with BIG gazongas?" Yeah im totally not exaggerating either. Those puppies were HUGE Triple E cup size baby! One breast was bigger than my babies head. Not everyone can grow them like I did. Not to mention they were still nourishing an 18 month old baby at the time. That alone was a defining thing, They were working boobs. they belonged to my baby, and I was very much attached to them.
He also stated that my other breast would eventually have to come off because of my BRCA1+ Gene Mutation, but he did want to do that at the same time because of higher chance of infection
All of this is way too much to take in, I was in that Breast Health office for over an hour. having information thrown at me like cream pies at a circus. Mastectomy SPLAT. Possible Chemo SPLAT
Possible Radiation SPLAT. Cancer SPLAT Cancer SPLAT
It all just got piled on me till i felt like a bowl of Jello. Total Information overload.
He wanted me in for Surgery as soon as possible which meant by the time I left the office, I had appointments for EVERYTHING Ultrasound, Bone Scan, X rays, Blood work, pre op. WOW,
I was numb Right at that moment I wish my husband was there with me, I love Lori, but I needed my Husband and i really really REALLY wanted my mom. No I NEEDED my mom.
I honestly could not put a thought together on that drive home, I called Manny on the way home and told him over the phone. Seriously.........Why I could not wait the 10 minutes to get home and tell him face to face is beyond me. I felt like a zombie ate my brain.
It was very hard for me to walk in the door of the house when I got home. I was not sure how Manny was going to react.
I walked in the door, and he looked at me, and he was holding LIberty, he grabbed me and hugged me tight and SOBBED just all out sobbed. He kept saying I love you I ove you I love you love and over.
At that point I really felt like i wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there, fly away somewhere. Maybe I was dreaming? This for sure could not really be happening to me at all could it?
The rest of that day I just sobbed.
"Not everything that is faced can be changed. but nothing can be changed until it is faced"