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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The day I got my diagnosis as a day like any other day to start out with , I had a friend of mine Lori take me so Manny could stay home with Liberty ( a very wise decision her being there would have make it so much harder.) Off to the Hospital we go, and really Im in good spirits cause I KNOW that this has to just be nothing............... Wait......... Did you hear that?? there is that DENIAL creeping up again.

The doctor was running behind as per usual. Do Doctors take a class on how to be late for patients?
One way to keep us on our toes is to be SUPER DUPER late when you are giving out test results.
I was chatting it up with my friends, Joking about the recent trip to Vegas, Totally oblivious to what was about to happen. Could I have been any more dense..GOSH!

Time comes to go in the room,  There we sit, my Friend Lori, the Doctor, a nurse, and ME He asked how my biopsy site healed and i said it was great, it looked fine.I laughed about how easy the healing of the Biopsy went. After all they were just going to tell me that I had a Cyst or Fybroid or something that needed to be drained right??

"well the results are back. Indtra Ductal Carcinoma.... this means its Breast Cancer"
I instantly fell over on loris lap and exclaimed " I cant do this, i have to go to Vegas in a month"

why is it that when the world is crashing around the dumbest things pop in my head?? I could have said
"ok, whats next?" or ARE YOU SURE?" or " Alright guys, wheres the hidden camera?"

No I state I have to go to Vegas, LOL,, SHEESH

The Doctor states to me that Because of where my tumor sat, I am not a candidate for a Lumpectomy, I needed a FULL Mastectomy on that side.  Way to knock the wind out of me............. People know me for my BOOBS. I cant just have it removed! Didn't he realize that one of my defining features of me were my breasts? "You know Sandra, you 'memer  the cute MILF with BIG gazongas?" Yeah im totally not exaggerating either. Those puppies were HUGE  Triple E cup size baby! One breast was bigger than my babies head. Not everyone can grow them like I did. Not to mention they were still nourishing an 18 month old baby at the time. That alone was a defining thing, They were working boobs. they belonged to my baby, and I was very much attached to them.

He also stated that my other breast would eventually have to come off because of my BRCA1+ Gene Mutation, but he did want to do that at the same time because of higher chance of infection

All of this is way too much to take in, I was in that Breast Health office for over an hour. having information thrown at me like cream pies at a circus. Mastectomy SPLAT. Possible Chemo SPLAT
Possible Radiation SPLAT. Cancer SPLAT Cancer SPLAT
It all just got piled on me till i felt like a bowl of Jello. Total Information overload.

He wanted me in for Surgery as soon as possible which meant by the time I left the office, I had appointments for EVERYTHING Ultrasound, Bone Scan, X rays, Blood work, pre op. WOW,

I was numb Right at that moment I wish my husband was there with me, I love Lori, but I needed my Husband and i really really REALLY  wanted my mom. No I NEEDED my mom.

I honestly could not put a thought together on that drive home, I called Manny on the way home and told him over the phone. Seriously.........Why I could not wait the 10 minutes to get home and tell him face to face is beyond me. I felt like a zombie ate my brain.

It was very hard for me to walk in the door of the house when I got home. I was not sure how Manny was going to react.
I walked in the door, and he looked at me, and he was holding LIberty, he grabbed me and hugged me tight and SOBBED just all out sobbed. He kept saying I love you I ove you I love you love and over.

At that point I really felt like i wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there, fly away somewhere. Maybe I was dreaming? This for sure could not really be happening to me at all could it?

The rest of that day I just sobbed.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed. but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
James Baldwin


  1. Awwww Sandra. Maybe while I am pregnant I shouldn't be reading this.....I cried so eyes are now puffy.....I would normally be able to keep it back but not today. I am loving reading this. Keep it up girl!

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  3. People know you for your BOOBS .....!
    that's to much info as thats just BRIGING!
    People dont want to know about your BOOB SIZE!

    that hole bit about
    really really REALLY wanted my mom. No I NEEDED my mom.
    how could you say that ? when God seen it with his EYES when you said your mom was just SOMEONE who gave BIRTH to you and thats it.!!!!
    after all you would not be here today if it was not for your mom!
    that just makes me sick! to read should feel a shamed for saying that!
    i feel for your mom i bet she has a Heart of GOLD...!!!!!! and then to have a selfsih child like you talk about her like there dirt! i dont know you or wish to meet you.
    its People like this what makes the world go sour. and you are what they call attion GETTER!

  4. Excuse me "sexy"
    I had to read your post numerous times before I could understand anything you said.

    Once I did, I wondered why in the world you you find it of any importance to jump in and throw out your two cents when it is obvious you have a difficult time forming intelligent sentences.

    This is a public blog, yes, but you have no right to reach into someones past or life and try to make yourself feel better.
    We all go through moments in our life when we are entitled to feel or want something we can't have.
    You need to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself "Why do I make it my place to tear someone down? Why do I make it my place to have an opinion on something that is none of my business."
    Speak of what you know and when there is something you don't.... Step away from the keyboard.
    If you are wondering why I am making it MY place to say something to you because you invited it with your ignorance. Sandra is my best friend and I will defend her.
    Find something to occupy your time and make sure it has nothing to do with Sandra. It is people like you that are poison.

  5. well all the other stuff is fine and ya i got to say i feel for sandra to and what she had to deal with cancer and stuff that would suck.

    did not mean to say the hole thing about her mom part of corse who woundent want or need there mom.

    but saying the size of her boobs could of been left out like i said people dont want to know about that!

  6. You said it all. You can not take it back. Sorry to tell you but is very easy to find out IP addresses that these posts come from, the internet may seem private, however it is not.
    Besides the fact you deleted your first attempt and posted under another name. Its shameful and sad. So Mel, its time to find something better to do with your time.
    As far as Sandra goes, her tellings are raw, intimate and true. You have no say in what she decides to put out there...and yeah, her boobs were awesome so she had a right to identify with them in that way. You don't have to like it which means you do not have to read it.
    I suggest you don't.


  7. Mel,

    I have to say the Sandra is one of the most sensitive, caring, loving, giving powerful, strong women I have EVER met. I am proud to be her friend, and I am a better person for knowing her.

    To open herself up and go through her experience to help others who are going through similar experiences is brave and powerful. And this is only ONE of the ways she is helping others.

    For you to attack her, and violate her as she opens herself up and shares her personal feelings and experiences is shocking to me, insensitive, inhumane, and just plain mean.

    Sandra~ I am LOVING your story, and can't wait to read the next part! And I loved your boobs too all size E of them!!

    Don't let people like Mel, bring you down...they are just jealous that you making a positive difference in this world! Keep it up!! Love you!

  8. Sandra - As I said you are a role model to me. sharing your story will help alots of people, including myself that is dealing with Cancer. Sandra it is people like you that make this world a better place.

    You are so strong to share your raw feelings, I am enjoying your story. I was there when you first found out that you had cancer. But I don't know the details that you had to deal with. Please keep sharing, some people are just ingorant and think they can judge someone. No one should take the spot and judge, and I am shock they would.
    I love you girl, and keep up the great blog. I have no shame in posting my entire name.
    June Harrow
    Whom stands and support Sandra

  9. Sandra- I cannot imagine having to deal with all that life has given you so far. However, you are an inspiration to many women, myself included. I admire you for your courage and your strength.

    I think perhaps you should rethink your screen name of sexy, for it most definitely does not describe you. Sexy is not purely a way one looks, but they way they carry themselves. In ONE post from you, you have shown yourself to be shallow and materialistic. Neither of those characteristics are sexy, neither is you gross misspelling of words. *I* care that Sandra put her bra size in her blog- because it matters to her. EVERY woman cares about the size of their breasts, and when they are one day missing (or for you, I hope around your belly button) a part of yourself is missing in more than just a physical sense. How DARE you condone Sandra for appreciating what she now has, glorying in the fact that she can look at herself and see a remnant of what was- and GLOW of what is... A beautiful woman who could have lost her life to cancer, someone who is PROUD to call herself a cancer SURVIVOR.

  10. Sandra you and your former boobs are as fab as ever .... and i can't wait to set eyes on your new babies!

    me thinks we should all post our breast size .. that outta turn Mel right off and keep her inarticulate ass off a real blog and back to the trailer trash she is used to..... just saying :S

    38F ( thats my bra and my age and sex ) FUN !

    xo Sandra love ya doll

  11. too cute - I am a 38DD (between sandra and vicki I feel smalll)...lolol

  12. I am a 38 D!

    And I defiantly feel breast size is significant considering the topic is Sandra's experience with Breast Cancer.

    Hmmmm I think I am the smallest so far....or I need some help picking out a proper bra!!



  13. No worries Jane, I'm a 32 D LOL!

  14. I don't think I will post my bra size as for me that's private but the rest of you ladies go right ahead - LOL. I am very proud of what Sandra is doing for Breast Cancer Awareness and her dad and I will support her no matter what negative stuff is written. Too bad that 'sexy' felt she had to write what she did and turn something good into a fight but what will be will be - keep up the blogging - some person is going to read this and it will be just what she needs to read. Love you.