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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Telling people you have Cancer is one of the hardest things to do.And often it is the people closest to you that are hardest to tell.

Telling your online friends, easy. delivery guy is a piece of cake "Thanks for the package OH and I have cancer"

Closest friends and family.... Id have rather cut of both feet.

I would say the hardest person to tell was my cousin Melissa. We are like sisters. Neither of us have a sister so we kinda made ourselves sisters.

Melissa's mom was my moms sister. Aunt Catherine was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a few years before that. ( see the pattern of family history) And I actually found it easy to tell her, even thought i had to tell her online. I just could not bear to tell Melissa, I had to have her mom do it. I just knew that when I told her that we would both be sobbing bowls of Jello. I just did not have it in me after the day I had to even tell her. Melissa remembers getting the phone call and just yelling " NO NO NO NO " and bawling. She prayed , for my strength, for my families strength, and for Liberty, I was still nursing Liberty and planned on nursing for as long possible, and we were not near done  nursing.  Even just talking about her doing that makes me want to cry.  I don't want people to be sad, And I guess that is one reason I really didn't want to tell anyone, I don't like to be the bearer of bad news.

Pretty much everyone else close to me found out on the phone. I just remember laying in my bed making phone call after phone call. I could not even utter the word cancer

I think the words I most used was " So I got my results back.... Its not good"  NOT GOOD.. That could have meant anything, but everyone knew, they all knew what it was.

Now Im not an overly private person, and in my mind I was trying to make a list of who to tell, This isn't like making a birthday list and calling people to invite. "Hey, its Sandra, Im having  Cancer, wanna check it out?"

My very first phone call when I got home that day was to my best friend in the whole world Sherrylynn.
She knew in her gut when she saw the lump, but did not want to break my bubble of denial and safeness . She Knew it was coming and was not prepared at all. She was pretty pissed off. She was Pissed off because someone else broke that bubble for me.
She knew nothing she said to me would help or get me through it, It was going to be all up to me. She was terrified for me, not because she didn't think I could do it,  But because she knew it was going to be hard for me and she could neither help nor fix it.

There is no way you can really prepare to hear those words, Nothing can prepare you to hear cancer.

The absolute hardest to tell will be my kids..........

"All adventures especially into new territory, are scary"
Sally Ride


4 comments:

  1. Yep, I remember that day all too clearly. There was also the little piece of me so afraid of losing my Sannypants. I know I said it to you after all was said and done...the truth is...this world, my world, would never be the same after that day either for a whole other array of reasons. None of them equal to yours.

    xo

    Sher

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  2. you and i tend to go in and out of each others lives but we try to stay in touch. what i remember was seeing something on msn about kicking cancer in the butt..... i was devastated i knew things were not good. i wished and prayed i could be there for you . but at the time i was having issues myself. i just knew somewhere deep down you would kick in the butt i am so proud of you for how you have fought cancer , and any other challenge you have had in relation. you are the closest person to me besides my grandpa that has had any form of cancer. you are a true hero and most courageous

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  3. I remember walking into the office after Sandra told her dad. He was crying. He told me he couldn't lose her too. My heart bled for him.

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