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Monday, December 20, 2010

The week before my Mastectomy was filled with lots of Doctor appointments, tests and trying to get ready for recovering time at home.

I have never gone in for a surgery like this so i had no idea what to prepare.
I had one last Passion Party to do before surgery, it was very hard for me to get motivated to even go and do it. I was not sure I could be in a good mind set to go and sell romance enhancement products let alone drive the hour and half to get there. I loathed to be alone with my thoughts. They tended to wander to not nice places. That fear of the unknown is a very lonely place to be.

My amazing friend Suzanne Sera decided she was going to come with me to do the party. That morning i woke up and went to make a coffee, and when I looked out my front window I saw what looked like glass to be on the ground outside my van. I went outside to see what it was and sure enough there was the back window of my van smashed right in. UGH. The last thing I needed at this time was to worry about that. and how was I going to drive to do my party with a smashed in back window. My totally amazing friend Suzanne decided to drive me there, not only did I have the safety of having company on the drive but I did not have to drive myself. It was great to be able to have someone to hash ideas out with and just lift my spirits.
My party was a SUCCESS .  The sales were tremendous, I looked super cute ( as always) and Suzanne said I was the DIVA I truly am. I was on a high on that drive home, and it was just want I needed before my big day. Its truly awesome how some people come into your life that make a difference.

Suzanne has a very calming attitude. I knew that from the moment I met her. I needed her there when I had my biopsy. While i was getting it done she was attempting to do hypnosis with me, and what I mean by attempting was she was doing it, and my mind was not, I DO NOT relax very well, LOL. as the Doctor was working on me she was trying to work the bad energy out of me and Im not sure if it worked or not, but having her there with me meant so much. Thank you Suzanne for who you are, a most cherished friend ever.

I did not know really what to do to prepare for surgery. The first thing I thought of was to get meals organised while i was in hospital. I wanted my family to be able to eat well. and anyone who knows Manny knows he cant cook a lick. fried  eggs  and plantains are pretty much all he knows. Last thing I wanted was to come home to malnourished stick thin kids. I remember one time  I came home from work late one night and I saw some mess of something on the stove. I asked him what it was, Kraft dinner was his answer, he didn't think to drain the pasta before he added the milk or cheese sauce.... funny thing was my kids actually ate it. Not sure if that says anything about my cooking or not. Maybe they were to scared to say anything.... KD soup anyone???

Now if you remember I was still nursing Liberty at this time, I was diligent on nursing her for as long as i could which really was not much more time, pretty hard to nurse when your getting your breasts removed. My dad and Stepmom were taking her for the time I was in the hospital which meant they had to take her the night before because when you are going for surgery you always have to be at the hospital at some ungodly hour.

The day before surgery i made sure to spend some time relaxing, If you remember that is VERY hard for me to do, but i tried. at one point in this day I knew it would be the last time I would nurse Liberty. Manny and I wanted to go out for dinner and spend some time together that night.

The last time I nursed Liberty was at 4:45 on April 25th 2007. I just remember crying as I was doing it, I really felt like I was doing and injustice to my baby. My goal was to nurse until she did not want to anymore. I was not ready and Im sure she wasn't either. The worst part for me was she had no idea what was going to happen. How do you tell an 18 month old what is going to happen. How do you tell her that the thing she loved to do , and her biggest source of nutrition was going to be taken away from her?  I wanted this moment to last forever. At that moment I contemplated running away or not showing up for surgery at all. Oh how I wanted the ability to keep doing what we loved.

The next day was surgery day. I was so nervous, I wished I would have had a sleeping pill or ativan or something, I did not sleep the night before I mean really how can you when your breasts are going to be taken from you the next day. It was odd to have not gotten up in the night to nurse. Would have been easy to sleep all night, but it did not happen for me.

The wait for my surgery was HARD. its a hurry up and wait situation sometimes. Hurry up to get there then sit and wait your turn. UGH, Knowing things were going to change was not easy. I had alot of friends come to the hospital to see me off, ( or see my boobs off LOL) That was a nice thing to see, having the company and support meant alot to me. I am not a private person, just in case you did not know that yet, so I love having people around me and it was calming to have this support. and on the upside they got to see me in the very stylish hospital gown ensemble. The all probably just wanted to for once see me wear something unflattering and everyone knows that the hospital gown line of clothing is akin to a gunny sack. There is no way you can make either look flattering no matter what you do Im pretty sure that is  the reason tey were there, LOL.

As I got called for surgery , I hugged and kissed them all, a couple of them were teary eyed and I was trying not to be, someone had to be strong here, and Im pretty sure I could not run out of there at that point, besides, there was NO WAY I wanted to be seen wearing that outfit outside the safety of the Hopital. One friend even had to give a light boobie squeeze, she wanted to be the last person to touch them. I felt like i was walking to an execution. I was exhausted and was looking forward to being knocked out, then I would not have to think for a while. My thoughts were taking over me on that walk,
I mean what else can you say on that walk to the OR.."well boobs, it has been nice knowing ya" .

One i got to the OR, I knew there was no turning back. Im pretty sure that the staff is trained in Ninja for just those circumstances, so there was nothing to do but comply.

I was going to wake up a totally different person.

"All adventures, especially into new territory are scary"
Sally Ride

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