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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Finally getting my voice heard

I was in the shower one day Shaving my Underarms ( hey, we all have em right?) and I felt another lump.

I just assumed it would be another plugged milk duct, cause those do stretch to who knows where when your breasts are full.

2 days later I went to the DR. showed it to him, and he said " Maybe its something that needs to be drained?" possibly was. So I  FINALLY  get an ultrasound of the breast and lumps.  And a ref feral to Breast Health at the Hospital.

I got a call a few days later from Breast health saying that they didn't know what they could even do because I was nursing, I surely could not get a Mammogram, or a biopsy, so did I want to move my appointment to later in the year ( ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) I am finally getting heard and you want to move me because im nursing and you cant biopsy? Whatever. This WAS breast health was it not?

I begged them to let me the DR right away  anyway, that way he can just look at it to see what his thoughts were, no harm in that , and I really wanted to get the results from my Ultrasound back.

The very next day I was off to Vegas for Passion Parties Convention. My first BIG trip anywhere. I had so much fun, I had great hear, i was sexy and skinny, and i was still pumping breast milk so i could continue nursing my baby when i got home.

Each night ( or early morning............ HEY it WAS Vegas  SHSUSTSA!!!!!)  I would lay in bed and feel each of those lumps, were they really real? or where they a figment of my imagination, I was checking to see of any of them had shrunk because i was nursing less,  And Quite possibly feeling so I could FEEL them. I think right then I knew..........I knew deep down to that place most people do not  get to. that really deep down in the pit of all knowing........... that those lumps were up to no good.

But Guess what? I was in Vegas.. its a rule, have fun in Vegas or go home...... its that simple.

The day after coming home from Vegas I had my appointment with Breast Health to finally see a Surgeon. He went over my Ultrasound. Inconclusive, they could not see what it was, which means more testing, and a biopsy for sure.
He finally took a look at it. He felt it. It was in fact sitting in the top of my breast close to the chest wall, right where your cleavage sits Vise able to the naked eye.I saw him when he SAW it. I should of known then ( but that deep down denial just kept kicking in im 32 for crying out loud) The minute he saw it he says " BIOPSY RIGHT NOW" WTF i was just going for him to LOOK at it. what do you mean you are poking me with a needle and taking chunks of me out? It takes me days to work up to even getting a blood test and you are going to throw me on a table and slice at me?? OUCH..........I wanted to barf. I should have known that is really no good, but that DENIAL was at the very bottom of that pit with a big fat HOPE sitting on tip of it.

At the 12th hour of my demise ( pretty sure my life would have ended right there  with that Biopsy, have you SEEN those needles **SHIVER***LOL)  from the biopsy needle, getting ready to pierce my skin, something jumped up in my Doctors head. (Not sure what it was but I want to send that thought a thank you card with a bottle of wine attached). "MAMMOGRAM"

He did not  care that I was nursing, he needed that test done before he poked me............PHEW saved........and really I wanted that Mammogram ( I mean who doesn't want to have their breasts put in an ice cold vice and squished to just above paper thin? Some people are into that pain means pleasure thing right?)
but it all had to be done ASAP. 8 AM the next morning I was in for both GULP, ok, I can work with this.............. but im going for a glass of wine when I get home.

The next day was bright and early off to the Radiation place. first stop MAMMOGRAM 
aaaaaaaaaaaall aboooaaaaaard!

The mammogram tech i think knew when she looked at that vise able  lump that it was no good.
they didn't squish me too bad, especially on the lumpy side

Right about now i as thinking I should have named that lump.... I mean what do you name a thing that is growing so fast inside you and you can see it.
Chester? Velma? lord Voldemort? I really should have put more thought into that,

I had to wait for the tech to take my pictures to the DR there to look at them so i could take them to my appointment with me. it took a l;ong time for her to come back, was not  sure if that was good news or not?
I get to the Breast Health Clinic and see my Doctor, he saw the pictures and did not say anything to me, and got me prepped for the Biopsy. Really the biopsy was not so bad. they froze me well, so not much feeling, just freaky seeing something as big and an ICE AUGER getting jammed into my chest and pulling out pieces of spaghetti ....... wait, it was not an ice auger you say? you sure?.....well that is what it seemed like to me

He told me that it would take a few weeks to get the results back and we set up an appointment for then.

The next 2 weeks went by fast, I did a few trade shows, parties with friends, And not giving any thought that parts of my body were sitting in a lab getting dissected and tested.
The area that had the biopsy started to bruise up, there was no milk leaking out of it like i was told might, i considered this a good thing because I didn't have to worry about springing a leak and getting it in my eye or some random stranger at the mall when I was nursing my baby .

The mind works in mysterious ways. that deep down denial, was being not only sat on by HOPE But was locked down with big old mean " It cant happen to me but my world was about to flip right over.

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”

Bill Watterson

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